Weight Gain and Marriage

January 31, 2010

I hear often from both men and women who say that they have abandoned their sex lives as a result of the loss of attraction to a mate who has gained significant amounts of weight. Weight gain can, in certain instances, be a result of a medical problem, but more often than not it is an emotional or psychological issue that keeps a person unable to either diet or exercise enough to keep weight off.

The issue of attraction to one’s partner is very complicated and rarely is it simply a reaction only to weight gain. Read the rest of this entry »


Jealousy, the Green-Eyed Monster

January 3, 2010

Jealousy is an emotion that all of us experience at some time or another. It’s quite normal to feel wishes to have more of your loved one to yourself and possibly to not like it when they appear to be devoting their time and attention to someone else. People who feel very secure in themselves and really like themselves tend to feel less jealous of others and less possessive of their partners.

People who have had abandonment and betrayal in their lives can be overwhelmed by jealousy, as can children who felt left by a parents’ divorce or parents who were otherwise emotionally unavailable. If you witnessed parents’ infidelity in your childhood, you may feel afraid that your partner will cheat too, even if they give you no cause to feel this way. If deep down you feel you are not really a desirable person or partner, then you may always think, “I’ve got to hold onto them and keep control or they will leave me.”

There are two jealousy scenarios that will erode and eventually destroy a marriage. One is when you feel constantly jealous of your partner and the other is when they are always jealous towards you.

Read the rest of this entry »

“I love you, but I’m not IN love with you”

December 26, 2009

The definition of love is infinite. People mean many different things when they speak of loving and being loved. But many couples both fight over and even break up over “not feeling loved enough” or “not loving you anymore” or even, “I love you, but I am not in love with you.” One’s subjective experience of love clearly counts a lot.

Where does it come from — your feelings of how you love another or what makes you feel loved?

Read the rest of this entry »

Competition with Your Spouse

December 1, 2009

Everyone is competitive. We all like to win. We all enjoy being the best. We compete at work with colleagues, with friends over accomplishments and kids and appearances. We compete with other parents over how much we have accomplished and how good a parent we are.

But what about with your spouse? Ideally, one would believe that spouses don’t compete, that they are a team. In a perfect world your spouse wants what is best for you and for you to be your best. But competitive drive does not stop just because you love someone and are on his or her team. Spouses do compete, they just are not always aware of it in themselves and in each other. Read the rest of this entry »

Dealing with a Commitment-phobe

November 29, 2009

A commitment phobia is a fear and subsequent avoidance of having to commit to anything — especially a relationship. Being involved with someone afraid of commitments can be both frustrating and perplexing. In addition, being afraid of any commitment is no picnic either; life is pretty lonely. While there may be many reasons for this fear, it often begins when a child has a loss of an important person in their life. When a child experiences losing a parent to divorce or if a child’s parent dies; the loss can be so traumatic that the child may always fear losing a loved one. This fear of loss and rejection keeps the commitment-phobe from risking getting attached to anyone. Being a witness to spousal abuse may also induce a fear, a fear of getting hurt or being a hurter and cause the child witness to grow into an adult who never wants to get married.

If you have ever dated someone who says they want to be with you desperately and seems to chase you with incredible zeal till they catch you — and then suddenly turns cool and critical? You may have stumbled onto a commitment-phobe.
There are several typical behaviors for the start of a relationship: Read the rest of this entry »

Did You Marry Your Mother/Father?

November 24, 2009

Did you find yourself having a conversation with your spouse when suddenly it dawns on you, “Are they just like my mom or dad?” Read the rest of this entry »

Are You Lonely In Your Marriage?

November 22, 2009

Most women I see tell me they are happy that they found someone special and are married because they would not want to be alone. What’s more curious, however, is how many women tell me that they really feel lonely IN their marriage. As hard as it is to feel lonely when you have no significant other, it is even more emotionally difficult when you do have a partner and you feel lonely anyway. When you are single, you at least have the fantasy that one day you’ll meet someone and not be lonely. But when you are married, your loneliness feels infinite and hopeless. You wonder, is it me, is it him or is it us? Read the rest of this entry »