Here is a little information about infidelity: Dangers signs that your spouse is cheating, and myths that can stand in the way of healing your marriage.
No one wants to believe a partner is cheating; unfortunately this sometimes means that you stick your head in the sand and ignore all the signs. The message becomes “go ahead and I won’t look”. So there may be continual cheating, and anger will slowly build until it erupts and makes repair even more difficult.
If you ignored the signs you are bound to feel more humiliated once you look back and realize they were there all along.
1. Acts distant
2. Works late hours
3. Wants less sex, or when has sex has new moves
4. Mentions some new person a lot
5. Is angry, or overly nice
6. Sudden interest in appearance
7. Has some new behaviors
8. You find yourself thinking a lot about how he would never cheat (this means it’s on your subconscious mind and you are being consciously defensive).
Once a cheater, always a cheater
There is such a thing as the serial cheater, someone who, for his or her own psychological problems (who can’t tolerate being truly intimate) needs to keep moving from partner to partner. But this is more the exception than the rule. Most either cheat for long periods of time, or one-night stands, but not repetitively.
Cheating means your marriage is bad.
It can, but cheating often comes from some psychological conflict that is unresolved on the part of the cheater, i.e., a woman whose father rejected her may chronically cheat with older men to get approval of her father. An individual problem can cause cheating even when the marriage itself was in decent shape. Once the person has worked on the issue the marriage may be OK.
She was after him, so its not his fault.
Don’t blame someone else. The cheater is ultimately responsible for his or her own actions.
In order to get over it, you need to know every detail of the affair.
You need to know the “who”, “what”, “where” and “did you love her?” of the affair in order to have a packaged story that you can digest. But knowing how many times they did it, and which position, and which motel room is just going to feed the flame and make it more difficult to move on and forgive.
I can’t forgive if I can’t forget.
You won’t forget and frankly you shouldn’t forget because pretending it never happened could encourage it to happen again. But you can CHOOSE to forgive and need to make that a conscious decision if you want to save the marriage.