The (Sometimes) Elusive Female Orgasm

There is a real range when it comes to women having orgasms. There is a likely biological difference between women (though exactly what that might be is not known). Some women have a lower threshold for orgasm and other women a higher threshold. This reflects differences in sensitivity.

There is a big psychological difference between women in that some women are less uninhibited than others and can let themselves go without guilt or shame and this makes it easier for them to have an orgasm. Anxiety interferes both psychologically and biologically (in the brain by blocking certain neural pathways) with reaching a climax. Lastly there are differences in education levels about the body and sex. Some women simply know a lot more about how to have an orgasm than others.

Women take on average 20 minutes of stimulation and arousal to have an orgasm; men take quite a bit less. Women also have more variation in what they find to be stimulating as well as having more difficulty defining exactly where and how stimulation works best. Only 20% of women are able to orgasm with intercourse alone; most women need some sort of direct clitoral stimulation.

Many things can interfere with a woman’s ability to have an orgasm: some medications (antidepressants and antihistamines are big offenders), anxiety, depression, alcohol (more than a little), old myths and inhibitions about it being wrong or scary to enjoy sex, hormonal changes.

Of course sex really means pleasuring yourself and your partner and this does not necessarily include having an orgasm. Sex can be fun and wonderful without. However, many women find the release of orgasm to be an important component and many men are really excited and gratified by their partner reaching orgasm.

One of the biggest impediments for women is that they have never really understood, looked at or examined their own genitals. They have not really figured out what kind of stimulation and where feels best for them, so they are not able to guide a partner in this. Many men don’t know either, unless they have had a partner who has really shown them, and even then because each person is different they cannot know what works for you.

Many women are afraid to ask questions because they feel if it’s not obvious, it must be because their genitals don’t work properly and they can’t have an orgasm. This is really untrue, but such a powerful belief can certainly keep you from becoming aroused enough.

If you are trying to climax but haven’t been able to, or if it’s very difficult for you and you wish it were easier, here are some suggestions.

1. Self-Stimulation. It’s hard to say enough good things about how important it is to know yourself. Even if you have a partner, you only stand to make things better by practicing alone, when the pressure is off, to find out what works best for you and discover how to show him too.

2. Try a Vibrator. A battery-operated vibrator can help “break through” an obstacle to climaxing. Once you have had the experience several times, it will give you confidence that you “work just fine” and allow you to replicate that stimulation on your own or with your partner.

3. More direct stimulation. You can’t count on intercourse alone to provide enough stimulation. You may need to have you or your partner stimulate the clitoris more directly, manually, orally or with a vibrator.

4. Use fantasy! You need a good fantasy to boost arousal enough to climax. Thinking about what you should make for dinner tomorrow during sex is not going to do it.

5. Try new things. Like with anything else in life, the “same old, same old” can get boring and boring does not go well together with orgasm. So mix it up and try new things to increase your arousal.


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