Weight Gain and Marriage

I hear often from both men and women who say that they have abandoned their sex lives as a result of the loss of attraction to a mate who has gained significant amounts of weight. Weight gain can, in certain instances, be a result of a medical problem, but more often than not it is an emotional or psychological issue that keeps a person unable to either diet or exercise enough to keep weight off.

The issue of attraction to one’s partner is very complicated and rarely is it simply a reaction only to weight gain.

Jealousy, the Green-Eyed Monster

Jealousy is an emotion that all of us experience at some time or another. It’s quite normal to feel wishes to have more of your loved one to yourself and possibly to not like it when they appear to be devoting their time and attention to someone else. People who feel very secure in themselves and really like themselves tend to feel less jealous of others and less possessive of their partners.

People who have had abandonment and betrayal in their lives can be overwhelmed by jealousy, as can children who felt left by a parents’ divorce or parents who were otherwise emotionally unavailable. If you witnessed parents’ infidelity in your childhood, you may feel afraid that your partner will cheat too, even if they give you no cause to feel this way. If deep down you feel you are not really a desirable person or partner, then you may always think, “I’ve got to hold onto them and keep control or they will leave me.”

There are two jealousy scenarios that will erode and eventually destroy a marriage. One is when you feel constantly jealous of your partner and the other is when they are always jealous towards you.

“I love you, but I’m not IN love with you”

The definition of love is infinite. People mean many different things when they speak of loving and being loved. But many couples both fight over and even break up over “not feeling loved enough” or “not loving you anymore” or even, “I love you, but I am not in love with you.” One’s subjective experience of love clearly counts a lot.

Where does it come from — your feelings of how you love another or what makes you feel loved?

Couples Who Play Together Stay Together

A study out of the University of Denver showed that couples who have more fun time together also report more marital satisfaction and good feelings about their partner. This seems rather obvious I suppose, but the interesting thing is that for the most part couples are working very hard to be able to afford some fun and yet they aren’t taking any time to do that. In fact, another study found that couples are spending less time together than ever. Between trying to make a living in these tough economic times and being a very present parent, couples are finding it hard to make some “we” time. Sadly, the fact remains that no fun times may lead to real marital disaster, which besides being painfully tragic, costs a whole lot of money that most couples can afford even less.

Marriage and Money

Money is one of the top topics for arguing in a marriage and also one of the main reasons for splitting up. Yet as important as this topic is to discuss, it is one of the subjects couples are least likely to talk about before and during a marriage.

Most couples feel it is not romantic or too personal to discuss, and so the problems mount until an explosion occurs. People come to a relationship with their own way of thinking about and dealing with money. Your money style has a lot to do with the way your parents dealt with money and also your risk-taking versus conservative personality style. In addition, in this day and age of many second marriages and step children many couples come to a marriage with debt, alimony, feelings about how much they want to spend on their biological child versus a step child, etc. These are all issues which need to be sorted out, discussed and understood before marriage.

Differences between the sexes in attitude toward money also make agreements difficult to come by. Both men and women tend to be concerned about retirement and the wish to have enough money to do so comfortably. Men still make most financial decisions about cars and investments whereas women do about major appliances and things for the kids. Most fights occur over spending for both men and women; who gets to, how much, from what pot? Besides money being a limited commodity and therefore couples are scared about not having enough (hence arguments) it also represents power and couples will argue over who has the power in the relationship. Feeling that the subject of money is taboo or embarrassing is the reason couples tend not discuss even the basics and hence anger builds and festers, good feelings begin to erode between them and ultimately a big blow up occurs.

Things you need to do:

Competition with Your Spouse

Everyone is competitive. We all like to win. We all enjoy being the best. We compete at work with colleagues, with friends over accomplishments and kids and appearances. We compete with other parents over how much we have accomplished and how good a parent we are.

But what about with your spouse? Ideally, one would believe that spouses don’t compete, that they are a team. In a perfect world your spouse wants what is best for you and for you to be your best. But competitive drive does not stop just because you love someone and are on his or her team. Spouses do compete, they just are not always aware of it in themselves and in each other.

Did You Marry Your Mother/Father?

Did you find yourself having a conversation with your spouse when suddenly it dawns on you, “Are they just like my mom or dad?”

Are You Lonely In Your Marriage?

Most women I see tell me they are happy that they found someone special and are married because they would not want to be alone. What’s more curious, however, is how many women tell me that they really feel lonely IN their marriage. As hard as it is to feel lonely when you have no significant other, it is even more emotionally difficult when you do have a partner and you feel lonely anyway. When you are single, you at least have the fantasy that one day you’ll meet someone and not be lonely. But when you are married, your loneliness feels infinite and hopeless. You wonder, is it me, is it him or is it us?

Why do men cheat?

Statistics (on how many men are cheating) are hard to come by, because, let’s face it, most men do not want to come clean on this subject. However, figures range from 24% to as much as 60%. Any way you cut it, many men are straying from monogamy.

What are the reasons that men do cheat?

Recession-Proof Your Marriage

Many couples fight about money—it is the number-one source of arguing in the best of times. But now, in some of the worst financial times, money has become an even greater stress on couples.